“The beret is not a good hat.” -Howard Stern

“The beret is not a good hat.” 

-Howard Stern, America’s Got Talent, 07/24/2012

Howard Stern on Donny Deutsch: ‘This guy knows how to get laid’

“Donny Deustch—I run into him. He gets more pussy than any guy on the planet…I’ve never seen him walk into a restaurant with less than four women with him. This guy knows how to get laid. His dick must be exhausted.” 

-Howard Stern on Donny Deutsch, 07/24/2012

Howard Stern: What I learned from my dog

“I’ve learned I’m human because I was so touched by my dog…My dog taught me how to love—love deeper.  You know, when my kids were born, you realize a level of love that you never thought you’d have. But, this was a very different experience in that—you know even your kids grow up and move away from you…People wrote me, they said: “Bianca was a really lucky dog”…And every one of them I wrote back and said: ‘No, we were the lucky ones’…She was the best dog, and I’m going to miss her terribly.” 

-Howard Stern on the death of his beloved English Bulldog Bianca, 07/18/12

Howard Stern’s apeshit rant against Sirius XM

“Everybody forgets what the f**k was going on around here when I signed on. Sirius Radio, by the way, was just about going out of business. I sat down with these guys and I said to them: ‘Look—if I leave terrestrial radio and come to Sirius, I’m gonna bust my balls for you. I’m gonna make shit happen…I guarantee you guys acquire XM radio. Forget merge—that’s a horseshit fucking term—ACQUIRE XM radio….But people have a short memory. Everybody’s got a short memory about what went on here…And now that times are good and they’ve reached ‘it,’ everybody wants to f***ing forget what they owe—and WHO they owe…There wouldn’t be a Sirius if I wasn’t here. It wouldn’t be here. This way a Hail Mary pass, hiring me…There’s one thing that separates this company from these other companies that offer music for free—ME!”

-Howard Stern shares his disgruntled employee status , 05/24/11

Howard Stern’s standard Chinese food delivery order for the past 5 years

“Shrimp with broccoli. SAUCE ON SIDE!!!!”

-Howard Stern, describing every Chinese food delivery order he’s made in the past five years

Howard Stern would kill himself if he were David Letterman

“If I was as miserable as David Letterman I’d kill myself…The one good thing going on in his life was he used to have these girls he could f**k up in his room when he was waiting to go on…Now he can’t even do that…Poor bastard.”

-Howard Stern talks about David Letterman, 03/06/2012

Howard Stern on Sarah Palin and the Gabby Giffords shooting

“I don’t blame Sarah Palin for the actions of a crazy man, but what I do blame Sarah Palin for is that she’s a big f***ing crybaby who won’t take responsibility for her actions.” 

-Howard Stern, 01/13/11, reacting to the shooting of U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords after Palin featured a map with gun crosshairs over Giffords’ district

Howard Stern says ‘The Artist’ causes suicidal tendencies

“I can’t even sit down and attempt to watch it…Everyone I know watches five minutes of it and they want to f***ing kill themselves.”

-Howard Stern on 2012 Academy Awards Best Picture Winner ‘The Artist,’ 02/29/2012

Stern to Wahlberg: “Where is FUN Mark?”

“Isn’t the old Mark, though, waiting to break out? Fun Mark? Where is fun Mark?”

-Howard Stern on Mark Wahlberg leaving his playboy lifestyle behind, 06/18/2012

Photo by Caroline Bonarde Ucci via Wikimedia Commons

Baba Booey vs. Breakfast: “Those poor eggs.”

Photo by Tom Ipri via Wikimedia Commons

“Those poor eggs are going to get mutilated by those teeth. All they wanted to do was grow up and be chickens.”

-Howard Stern on watching Baba Booey eat breakfast, 06/18/2012

Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate